bare one’s heart.

I never told this to anyone.

Or maybe if I did, they would have no one to believe.

Often I get judged. Even though I don't demand anything other than to be heard, that alone is more than enough.

Actually, this is not a very useful post as usual. It's just a heart scream that I can't tell anyone, including through casual conversation. It's awkward to do that.

Humans live in social and coexistence, also have feelings of respect, love, or want to belong, and so do I.

Several times I fell in love with someone. But that much too, I just remained silent without being able to act. Even if they could just notice my presence, I had my doubts.

In the real world, I am a stiff person, looks serious, quiet and doesn't talk much. I'm also not good at building relationships or communicating. Often I would withdraw from the outside world and sit alone in a cave, doing whatever I like. Eventually, I could die without anyone knowing my presence.

A quarter of a century I have lived on earth, many events have happened.

A quarter of a century, I feel like my time is running out.

For a quarter of a century, I have had a lot of demands, especially from family.

For a quarter of a century, I have kept my story to myself.

A quarter of a century, I feel very alone.

I want to love someone, but many say it is better to be loved than to love. However, how can I feel loved if I have never felt love? If I could be greedy, of course, I want both.

I am like a coward and sometimes selfish. But really, I'm trying not to act like that.

Honestly, I like you. We've known each other for a long time. I know we weren't that close, only seeing each other a few times. I only know how you from the internet. However, cyberspace is often not like the real world.

I often think, do I have to be alone? But no, I believe God created His servants in pairs. Maybe God is giving me more time to meet my partner. I was patient, but not with the people around me, and it made me impatient and disgusted to hear it for a long time. Not infrequently, excessive anxiety comes to me.

Right now, I can only pray to God to meet a partner who can make me happier living life and make me a better person than before.

Sometimes, I feel related song about loneliness from any singer. It was as if I could feel an emotion or something that many people are not aware of.

Talking about playlists, I don't think I'm the type of girl who likes girly songs. Many of them are slow or upbeat, depending on the mood. There are also many old songs that I like even though the release year is long before I was born, or often the songs I like are preferred by men.

By the way, I told my coworkers spontaneously that I could just kill myself if I didn't have faith, and I said it with a smile. It's crazy. I hope that never happens to anyone.

Right now, what can make me happy is seeing the warmth of a family or the closeness of someone who looks so grateful for having each other.

Besides, for now, I love spending time with my adorable little cousin. It feels fun. At his age, he is very calm in living his life. He just gets annoyed with his brother and sister or just wants milk. It's not the overthinking that I'm experiencing at this age. Some call this the phenomenon of being forced to mature? Maybe.

I felt like crying all the time and got used to holding it in. It hurts.

I know my stories are often as worthless as how I say. But, I also realized that they often need me more than the other way around. Inside, I realized I also needed someone who could help solve problems, even if they were trivial.

God, help me through this life. Thank you.

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Halo, terima kasih sudah menyempatkan waktunya untuk membaca tulisan ini. Saya ingin mencoba membuat tulisan dalam bahasa inggris. Saya tau ini tidak begitu bagus bahkan tidak jelas arahnya, tapi saya mencoba menggunakan media ini sebagai media belajar juga. Jadi, maaf jika kali ini membuat para pembaca kurang paham dan kurang nyaman. I will not give another explanation.

Sekali lagi terima kasih, dan semoga harimu menyenangkan. Hit me up if you see me anywhere yap?